Sunday, November 18, 2007

Make It Work People!!!

So... Yesterday, my best friend Jan I went shopping or well we tried. She picked me up around 12:30 and we drove the 30 miles to Panama City Mall. Well since we are known to enjoy eating more than most people, we opted to go the Red Lobster first; based solely on the fact that they have REALLY REALLY good cheese biscuits. So an hour later we had spent $40.00 on lunch and we were much happier. Seeing as how we were at the Mall we went on in. We started in the JC Penney's. I was looking for my daughter some clothes to keep her warm as we are having a small cool spell, it has been around 68 to 70 degrees. To her that is freezing! Anyway after we waded through the crap and went to the boys department and bought her 2 shirts from there. At no point is my five year old wearing a pair of pants on her ass that say "naughty" not now not ever.

We kept looking and found a god-awful denim jumpsuit. Yes your eyes are not deceiving, you just read DENIM JUMPSUIT. We found grown folks jelly shoes. If you are a size 9 and out of elementary school, like me there is never a point when you should have a jelly shoe on your foot, EVER! Then the rest was just PLAIN ugly. Not a little UGLY, I am talking horrendously UGLY, like take my eyeballs out and dunk them in Clorox bleach UGLY. I am not even going to bring up the terrible make my ears bleed, flute music they were playing in the Dillards.

Now I might have understood a few ugly things but I felt like I was at the UGLY mall. I just knew candid camera was following me. And you know it was some ugly crap when I the queen of buying shoes, did not ever TRY a pair on!

On the bravo channel you can watch Tim Gunns guide to style and he will tell you that a trench coat is one of the ten items you should have in your closet. Living in the woods in Florida I have no occasion to wear one, so in turn I do not own one. Well I hope that everyone that buys clothes from that mall, listens to Tim and buys a trench coat. At least that way I will not be subjected to such ugly crap. In the words of Tim Gunn "Make it Work People"!!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Hindlegs anyone?

So… as you are all aware, I live in the DEEP South! Not that it is a problem mind you, it’s more of a fact of life. Not that I am saying that I want to live anywhere else, there are just things that take place here that would not happen many other places. Which brings me to the reason for my blog today:

How often are you sitting at the table and you hear someone complain that they wanted a hindleg not a frontleg, BUT I digress, let me start at the beginning.

Saturday was the opening day of squirrel season. Now that may not mean much to you, but at my house its cause to celebrate. I know I know my red neck is peeking through. But anyway we are sitting at the table eating, (let me set the menu for you- fried- yes I said FRIED squirrel, biscuits, syrup, pork roast, peas, creamed corn, turnip greens, cheesy taters, sweet taters, and some nasty macaroni salad ok maybe not nasty but I do not like it). Like I was saying we are eating and one of the guys on his third plate hands it to his wife who happens to be standing at the time. Well he fails to mention that he wants more and she throws his plate away. After he closes his mouth due to outrage, you know he wanted more it was not like he was done or anything, hell he was just catching his second wind. She gives him that look, yeah you know the look, she tells him that she was putting him on a diet. Well I will tell you right now, he just didn’t take kindly to that at all. Finally, she asks what he would like and he says “A few hindlegs, some of that sugar free stuff and the red dessert you made.” She hands him his plate he looks down at it and he says “I told you I wanted HINDlegs not frontlegs!” The sad part is that everyone knew exactly what he was talking about.

(Small disclaimer, I have not and will not at any point ingest any part of a squirrel, my family however it does not seem to bother them to eat tree rat. )

Yes, bless my heart that is the world I live in. I am not saying it is a bad place I am just saying that it is my world.