Friday, December 28, 2007

Do you see this game? Yes my Diva got it for Christmas. 1st thing I want to say about it is, NEVER buy it for your child! You will be playing it for hours on end and she will cheat. And when I say that she will cheat I mean she will not let you bump her back to start, she will not let you skip her and lastly she does not like to wait until she rolls a one or a two before she can leave home. So like I said it was almost two hours of her complaining that she thought I was cheating. When I told her that I was just doing what the cards said do, she said "whatever, for all I know you are lying to me, I can't read I am only 5 ya know!" Then she dumped the game over and said she was NEVER playing again!

Did I mention that she also got Uno, Operation, Trouble, Piranha Panic, Connect 4 and Monopoly. So, yes I have been playing board for days on end. Just shoot me!

Friday, December 14, 2007

In honor of my extended family Christmas:

Well tomorrow my mothers family is coming over and well if you have ever heard this song; I want to let you know it was wrote about my family:

Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk at our Christmas party
We were drinking champagne punch and homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him until he sang
Felis Navidad, Felis Navidad

Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins from his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kay
Who talks all about AA
Chain smoking while the stereo plays Noel, Noel
The First Noel

Carve the Turkey
Turn the ball game on
Mix margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quickpak Store
We need some ice and an extension chord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rites
A box of tampons, Marlboro Lights
Haleluja everybody say Cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Fred and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our Christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw a breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night,
Oh Silent Night, Oh Holy Night

Carve the turkey turn the ball game on
Make Bloody Mary's
Cause We All Want One!
Send somebody to the Stop 'N Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprites
A box of tampons, some Salem LightsHaleluja,
everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the Family

So Merry Christmas From the Family!!!!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Do you see this bird? Do you know that he talks?

SQUAWKERS McCAW the FURREAL FRIENDS Parrot takes interactive play one step further through highly innovative animatronics, voice recognition and programmable features. A remote control triggers pre-programmed voice commands and provides “shortcut buttons” to activate varied play modes which enable SQUAWKERS McCAW to respond by simply repeating words spoken to him, answering with pre-programmed commands, “teaching” the parrot to respond with programming voice commands or prompts, and responding with “humorous” and “playful” phrases to his pre-programmed phrases. And true to real Macaws, SQUAWKERS McCAW loves to dance! If music isn’t played, SQUAWKERS McCAW will play and dance to his own signature song. Available now!
Item #:77182
Approx. Retail:$ 69.99
Ages:5 & Up

Yes he talks and does everything else known to man. The diva has asked for one. Yeah so not happening. I mean she talks more than anyone on the face of the planet. Do I really want something else for her to talk to. Because believe me she would. I can already hear it... Just the thought is making me crazy. So she asked Santa for one of these... Well I told her not to get her hopes up that I was pretty sure the elves were out of feathers and that she probably would not get one.

I just can not have one more thing at my house to have a conversartion with. I think I will go postal on someone.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Make It Work People!!!

So... Yesterday, my best friend Jan I went shopping or well we tried. She picked me up around 12:30 and we drove the 30 miles to Panama City Mall. Well since we are known to enjoy eating more than most people, we opted to go the Red Lobster first; based solely on the fact that they have REALLY REALLY good cheese biscuits. So an hour later we had spent $40.00 on lunch and we were much happier. Seeing as how we were at the Mall we went on in. We started in the JC Penney's. I was looking for my daughter some clothes to keep her warm as we are having a small cool spell, it has been around 68 to 70 degrees. To her that is freezing! Anyway after we waded through the crap and went to the boys department and bought her 2 shirts from there. At no point is my five year old wearing a pair of pants on her ass that say "naughty" not now not ever.

We kept looking and found a god-awful denim jumpsuit. Yes your eyes are not deceiving, you just read DENIM JUMPSUIT. We found grown folks jelly shoes. If you are a size 9 and out of elementary school, like me there is never a point when you should have a jelly shoe on your foot, EVER! Then the rest was just PLAIN ugly. Not a little UGLY, I am talking horrendously UGLY, like take my eyeballs out and dunk them in Clorox bleach UGLY. I am not even going to bring up the terrible make my ears bleed, flute music they were playing in the Dillards.

Now I might have understood a few ugly things but I felt like I was at the UGLY mall. I just knew candid camera was following me. And you know it was some ugly crap when I the queen of buying shoes, did not ever TRY a pair on!

On the bravo channel you can watch Tim Gunns guide to style and he will tell you that a trench coat is one of the ten items you should have in your closet. Living in the woods in Florida I have no occasion to wear one, so in turn I do not own one. Well I hope that everyone that buys clothes from that mall, listens to Tim and buys a trench coat. At least that way I will not be subjected to such ugly crap. In the words of Tim Gunn "Make it Work People"!!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Hindlegs anyone?

So… as you are all aware, I live in the DEEP South! Not that it is a problem mind you, it’s more of a fact of life. Not that I am saying that I want to live anywhere else, there are just things that take place here that would not happen many other places. Which brings me to the reason for my blog today:

How often are you sitting at the table and you hear someone complain that they wanted a hindleg not a frontleg, BUT I digress, let me start at the beginning.

Saturday was the opening day of squirrel season. Now that may not mean much to you, but at my house its cause to celebrate. I know I know my red neck is peeking through. But anyway we are sitting at the table eating, (let me set the menu for you- fried- yes I said FRIED squirrel, biscuits, syrup, pork roast, peas, creamed corn, turnip greens, cheesy taters, sweet taters, and some nasty macaroni salad ok maybe not nasty but I do not like it). Like I was saying we are eating and one of the guys on his third plate hands it to his wife who happens to be standing at the time. Well he fails to mention that he wants more and she throws his plate away. After he closes his mouth due to outrage, you know he wanted more it was not like he was done or anything, hell he was just catching his second wind. She gives him that look, yeah you know the look, she tells him that she was putting him on a diet. Well I will tell you right now, he just didn’t take kindly to that at all. Finally, she asks what he would like and he says “A few hindlegs, some of that sugar free stuff and the red dessert you made.” She hands him his plate he looks down at it and he says “I told you I wanted HINDlegs not frontlegs!” The sad part is that everyone knew exactly what he was talking about.

(Small disclaimer, I have not and will not at any point ingest any part of a squirrel, my family however it does not seem to bother them to eat tree rat. )

Yes, bless my heart that is the world I live in. I am not saying it is a bad place I am just saying that it is my world.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Flat tire, anyone?

So when I wanted today to be a better day, I was not counting on having a flat tire!
Less than impressed with having one. My hubby asks "how did you get a flat tire?" Me- "umm I ran over something?" HIM- "what did you run over?" I shake my head and say "well if I knew what it was I would have avoided it." Sheesh!! For crying out loud, if he was not so cute...

So I went to the tire store and of course it could not be patched it had to be replaced! So now I am $92.00 in the hole. It sucks bad! There goes that really cute new pair of shoes that I had planned on sneaking in.

You know that old saying that "what else could go wrong?" yah I am not saying that at all, cause looking at my luck it will get worse. Way worse. Now I am counting down the minutes to lunch time because I am starving! Starving!!!!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Rain, Rain GO AWAY!

Ok do you remember that song as a child? The rain is driving me crazy! I mean I live in the Sunshine State, for crying out loud. I am sick of the rain.

Ok on to better topics to discuss. Well maybe not better just different. I have decided every day is an adventure when you are the mother of a five year old diva. Finally Sunday we decided to carve those pumpkins we bought the night of the monsoon.

No big deal, you would think, yeah you would be wrong. Together the diva and I decide that it would be a normal face, you know triangles for eyes and nose and a mouth with teeth. Pretty normal, well until I got it open and asked the Diva to help me scoop the “innards” out. She immediately screams I am not touching that it’s gross!!! Well here comes the dog. He begins to bark and runs over to where I have scooped out the inside and takes a big bite. Then he runs off for a moment. Meanwhile there is someone at the front gate that is trying to get me to change my religion asking me if my parents are home. Oh and I did I mention that the dog came back and barfed up the pumpkin that he ate, next to the front door. Then my husband comes out of the back yard and asks if he can help. My first thought is who to kill first and where do I hide the body.

Somehow I managed to get all of that settled. 7:30 rolls around (my favorite time of day – the diva goes to bed and I go get a nice relaxing bath!). That was the plan anyway. My husband also known as the human stain on the sofa decides we need to fold laundry. My point is that laundry has been there since Friday and has not bothered a soul, does he really think that it is now going to bother me. I gave him that look, apparently he gets the idea!

Had it not been for the wine and culinary festival Sunday would have sucked. But hey it was not all bad where else do they serve mimosa’s for three hours and you make your husband drive home?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

A monsoon, a pumpkin, and a pitchfork... oh my!

Ok today was a freaking monsoon. Yes I know I live in Florida and we have hurricanes but I like the word monsoon better. Now I know most people would stay home in a monsoon and I am normally one of those, but I had to go to the Wal-Mart. It was a trip that no matter how hard I tried to delegate it, the hubby completely refused. Now you may be curious as to why I would trek out in the middle of a monsoon. A PUMPKIN, that’s why, a stupid damn pumpkin. Well all week I tried to buy my Diva a pumpkin for school- by the way what happened to bringing candy corn. I mean it’s easy to find and whole lighter to carry, especially in the rain.

So, the Diva and I are in the Wal-Mart and she decides she needs to go ahead and get her Halloween costume. Ok that’s works for me. However she has decided that she wants to be a skelton. At this point I am like you know, whatever makes you happy I could care less. Yah, we can not find a skeleton costume anywhere. We searched everywhere. Nothing, plenty of fairies, plenty of witches, but not a single solitary skeleton to be found in the Wal-Mart. Well after much crying and threatening we finally decide that being a devil demon is just as good as being a skeleton. So we picked out the costume and she informed me that she needed a pitchfork. I tried to argue her down, but it was nearly 7pm and I was tired of it so yes we came home with a pitchfork.

By the way it's nearly 10pm and yes the monsoon is still with me. I suppose I will take a canoe to work tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

All I want for Christmas is…

So… on the way to school this morning my Diva decided it was time to make out her Santa list. Yes just what I wanted to hear, I mean for crying out loud I barely have last years paid off and yet here we are time to go again. Well I tell her I am game lets hear it.

Keep in mind she is 5!
Well number one is an Iphone.” I told her no. She then whines, “But Mom I need a phone I may need to call someone. I shake my head and say “Any time you are with someone they have a phone you are fine.” More whining, “But Mom what about calling my friends?” “You are 5; none of your friends have a phone either. Get over it, next item!”
“Well I want an IPOD.” I shake my head. She has been asking for an IPOD since she was 3. Santa may actually bring her one this year. She keeps talking… “and a gameboy advance, and a PSP (by the way I have no idea what a PSP is…) and piranha panic, a chia pet.” I stop and her and say “what?” She gives me that ‘you are a moron look’ and says “You know that little plant that grows and then you can cut it off yeah I need one of those.” I continue to drive to school, in the rain and listen. “oh and last I want a Venus Flytrap.”

Ok here I nearly wreck the car cause my 5 year old has asked for a Venus flytrap. I of course ask “Did you just say a Venus Flytrap?”
“Yeah Mom, you know that plant that eats flies? I need one of them.”
Finally we pull up that school and I say “Why do you want one.”
She sighs really loud and says “Well you know sometimes I get a fly in my room and it can eat it.”

She then gets out and grabs her backpack and waits for me to walk her in.

Ok so these are my thoughts, what 5 year old needs a Venus Flytrap? I mean come on. A Venus flytrap, I know she is crazy but this is a little too far for even her. I ain’t buying my five year a carnivorous plant for Christmas, not no way, not no how.

Monday, October 15, 2007

All the other kids are doing it!

So... I thought I would start out with a story about my little diva! She has quite an imagination. One of the many things other than work, husband, child, on and on that takes up my time is Daisies, otherwise known as the pee-wee version of Girl Scouts. My 5 year old (who will tell you in a hot minute she is 5.5) is yes a Daisy. So in addition to learning her ABC’s and 123’s in kindergarten she has to learn the Girl Scout motto. She is less than interested. She has some of it down but not all of it. So… we are at the Daisy meeting and they go over the motto with the new girls and then they start learning this new song and dance. It’s about a beaver (what a beaver has to do with being a girl scout I have no clue- but I digress) the leader is teaching it to them, while I try to get in some last minute work. Looking up I notice my little Diva is not only not trying to learn the song and dance; she is standing there with this look of horror on her face.

The leader: “What is wrong?”
My Diva: “I am not doing that.”
The leader: “Why not, its fun.”
Me -- At this point I chime in “Yes, honey you should do it.”
My Diva -- wrinkles up her nose and says “There is no way that I am going to do that.”
The leader: “why not, I am.”
My Diva: “yah and you look RIDICULOUS!”
The Leader – standing with her mouth open probably trying to figure out how she can smack my diva around with out ticking me off (not sure on that but I did see that look on her face – you know the one my family refers to as that pissy look I get sometimes)
Me – trying to keep a straight face:
“Sweetie all the other kids are doing it”
My diva – who gives an exasperated sigh, says “Yah but Mom you said just because all the other kids jump off a bridge doesn’t mean I should!”
MeDamn she’s got me there.

Needless to say she did not participate in the beaver song and dance!